Black & Single in The City

The End of the Road

2010-05-04T23:20:00.001-05:00

This blog possesses over five years worth of words. Words that have allowed me to share my desires, pains, rants, joys and my own flavorful variety of bs. I still to this day cant believe that I have been so public with my ish. I have neatly (and not so neatly too) packed and unpacked my woes for your viewing pleasure. Will its time to bring final closure to this chapter in my literary life. In the, not to far away future, I will be turning 30. Things that I have lamented about on here were the ramblings of a 20 something chick trying to discover who she was and what she cared about. I dont believe in remaining stagnant. This is not the end of my online writing/sharing/being a little to personal with ya'll experience. I cant bring myself to delete this archive of my growing years, so i will leave it as a reminder who I was, what Ive been through, and where i need to go.

Come on and continue this journey with me, I'm pretty sure it will be action packed and freaking fabulous. thewittysmartgirl.wordpress.com

This blog has moved

2010-04-04T17:44:00.001-05:00

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the game is to be told not sold

2010-03-31T21:28:00.000-05:00

The following is something I started and pushed aside because life, and reality, and unresolved shelved feelings got in the way. Before I can continue I first must give these few lines the ability to live and breath...

Originally created 11/29/09
I have been really anti-social lately. Something my soul needed greatly.
sometimes my imperfections get in the way
I'm really bad at playing this dancing charade
I give, you take, I retreat to my reserves in hope you follow the chase,
sometimes I fear I'm gotten to old to really care to even play this anymore
to decipher the facades. wade through the crap to weed out the gems
I fear I've gotten to old to really care to even play this anymore
so sit in my lair and until the need for a new or even familiar face causes me to reintroduce myself into society

I would be lying if I said those words weren't still true. But, yeah there is a but, I have moved on. Well sort of. I no longer hide myself from society. I eagerly embrace the awkward moments, failed attempts, and joyful explorations of that something new. I do, though, still am not elated to the play the chasing game and fail terribly at it. Alas, I don't wish life to pass me by as if I forget to get my ticket.

If one was to ask 20 year old me where I would be upon the year I turned 30, I pretty sure she had no idea the woman she would come to be. Independent but not to the degree that she doesn't need others in her life; just enough to be you know, an adult. Opinionated enough to be an informed individual, but not to the degree where she thinks she is the alpha and omega. Confident enough to life live on the outskirts of the box and the norm, but still aware that faults exist in her and forever she will evolve. And the doosey, at age 29 fastly approaching 30 she would be single, never married, and no kids. This, my fellow readers, is the culprit of that opening paragraph of which I had abandoned and of which has cause me to neglect this blog and my writing for months.

Coming to terms that your life has not taken the path that you had hoped is a serious endeavor, but accepting your path is necessary. It was necessary for me, and honestly I fought it. I tabled it, in hopes that it would erode and vanish if left in the destitute space I had placed it. Well we all see where that got me, life greatly interrupted. These last few months I have put up a pretty impervious façade, behaved that things were great in my world, that I was peachy keen and exuberant. I was not. Period, exclamation mark. I tried my best to amongst things, meaning, away from my house where I would be alone. I hide from my inner thoughts. I feared writing them and reading the thoughts of others for I would have to address the elephant that sat on my living room sofa. It took me almost the first 90 days of 2010 to come to terms with the state of my life and you know what I have discovered, there is not a damn thing to fear. Hopefully I will continue to take my big girl pill and face life and her issues as the grown woman I strive to be. No more hiding, no more woe-is me.

But you say he just a friend

2009-12-10T21:04:00.000-06:00

In my quest for friendship and love, I have unintentionally placed myself in the friend category instead of the potential girlfriend/wifey/wife category. Which in turns puts me in the cutt-buddy/friends with benefits/side chick category. The thing I have come to realize is that women and men view "friendships" with the opposite sex very different. Not to pretend that I understand or know exactly what men think, I do though possess some insights.

I've always been frustrated by my inability to keep male friends just friends. At some one point they want and attempt to have more. Attention: Most guys do not friend females whom they find to be unattractive. Funny it has taken my 29 years to accept this. The thing is, that since I come into situations not requiring much, and wishing to keep things on a friendship level, that's where they put me. I make it so that its easy for them to not offer me more. "Great, she doesn't want a relationship, but I'm still attracted to her. Eventually I'm going to hit." This was never the path I wanted my male suitors to take. I want to be courted, to be respected, to be viewed as girlfriend material. I want friendship and love.

And so here I sit. A string of male "friends" with no relationships offers on the horizon. It would seem that this "epiphany" would have struck me sooner seeing as how I'm almost 3 guys in, whom all have neatly placed me in the "cool girl who I'm attracted to and wouldn't mind to get REALLY acquainted with." Each has frustrated me, because cutt buddy I'm not and giving them some pink cookies in a plastic bag, I'm not. It would also be nice to have had this "epiphany" one month sooner because there is guy #4, with whom I digg immensely and am headed down the same faulty friendship path. However I am aware of my misgivings and friend abyss I have created. Even if I have f*cked things up with the new one, it was indeed a lesson I needed to learn (but I hope *with fingers crossed* that I have not or that the damage can be undone). I do not have the magic recipe for friendship and love, but I am on a better path at achieving the two.

Few understand the union of woman and man - the big divide

2009-11-04T20:59:00.000-06:00

Compromise is not a four-letter word (literally and figuratively thank you). It is not something that makes you less than a man or woman. You are not weaker, inferior or lacking in intelligence to give in to it. It seems as if people have become so caught up in their "victimization" that they fail to see that things are not all about them. It does not matter the situation of the relationship, the inability of compromise permeates the pending demise that will ensue.

Meeting in the middle and realizing the other person's point of view is essential even in the most platonic relationships, for it is our friendships, that form bases of our relationships. We most possess and offer compassion towards those whom we call friends, before we can ever offer that to those whom we want as lovers.

One of the biggest forms of compassion is the realization that your intentions don't mean anything when they have offended or hurt someone you care about. In all honesty you might be the right one in the argument, your point of view might be the logical one, you might actually be totally justified in what you have said or done. But when being right, and not willing to budge from this stance, comes at the cost of causing someone pain (emotional or otherwise) what have you actually gained? It did not get you anywhere with the person whom you had the disagreement with. You might get the "yeah you were right" from your people (guys dont act like you dont talk to your boys and ladies you know you share a little too much with your girls) but in the eyes of the person whom you hurt you are a jerk or a b*tch.

We have got to get passed our egos and need to be right in order to coexist emphatically. Men are actually stronger and even more of a man when they are willing to work it out with the lady/friend/sister/acquaintance in question. Women are actually more in tune with and more engaged with the man/friend/brother/lover when they put their emotions aside and listen to what he has to say and both sexes will be on a path to better understanding the other.

I grab my pen, caressin' empty pages

2009-10-22T22:47:00.001-05:00

*props to the person who gets the song that the title of this post is from*

Thursday Thoughts

I have had a lot on the mind lately and its actually been rather hard trying to pin one topic down to write about. Don't get me wrong I have attempted at writing, but I don't know, be it indecision, a lot going on in my life, foolishness in the media, or just writer's neglect (pick one, any one, they are all pretty accurate), most nights I log on to write and nothing happens. Which is actually ironic that I cant write when I want to, because when I go to bed I end of having to get up and jot down all the random thoughts that pop into my head, which refused to appear when I failed at making a blog entry prior to getting into the bed. Long story short, (which I was on the road to making this longer than need be) I have decided to start putting all those random thoughts here, on Thursdays. Cause see, I don't believe that they deserve an entire entry onto themselves, but still they should be wrote out and shared and oh gee hey this is my blog and my little space of the net so I got the creative freedom to do just that. Without further adieu the fist installment (of what probably will be a continuing topic) of the random thoughts that pop into my head, when I should be dreaming instead:

Friends:
I don't let people in very easy. So when someone sets me aside like some outdated outgrown pair of shoes it bothers me. I care and saying others wise wouldn't be honest. And more than I would like to admit, I actually think about it over and over, wondering what transpired to make the person decide that interacting with me or being associated with me was more than they desired. And yes I realize that its not always all about me. Maybe one day I wont care as much as I do. Maybe one day the actions of others wont affect me as deeply as they do.

Dating:
Honestly, relationships don't have to be hard. Don't rush it, build a friendship, and communicate-which means listen and care. Its that simple. No really it is. We make it complicated. We ignore our good judgments and forget that its not all about us. We fail to care about the other persons point of view and all that has occurred in their life to make them who they are.

When keeping it real goes wrong:
Memphis recently had a mayoral election (which was some tom foolery all in of itself). What irked me the most was getting an facebook invite to an after-party for a DEBATE. Like you got to be kidding me right?! People, everything is not a d*mn party. We do not need to shake our backsides in celebration of everything. A debate, for freaking mayor, does not garner the need for an after-party. The whole thing reminded me of the boondocks episode when the onslaught of masses danced in jubilation over the R Kelly verdict. Please get a grip.

Who you calling a B*tch:
A b*tch when called such will respond in one of two ways
1)She will either take pride in having such a label and accurately portraying herself as such, thus reinforcing the premise which led to her being labeled as such in the first place.. or
2) She will get down right indignant with the messenger who bestowed her with such a moniker and will proceed to give that poor soul the tongue lashing of his/her life, or so the b*tch believes. Which also reinforces the basis of why she labeled as a b*tch in the first place

But a woman, who knows that she is not a b*tch will approach such follies (of being referred as a female dog) in the following ways, depending on her mood
1)She will completely ignore such an asinine comment and commenter because she realizes that the individual does not possess the intellectual fortitude to address her properly thus they rely on childish and meager vocab words to express their frustration...or
2) Knowing that she is not a b*tch and knowing the maturity and intellectual disadvantage the opposing party possess, wont be offended but will demand that the lowly individual respects her queendom for what it is. They don't have to understand her strength of intellectual capacity but they will respect her and she will call them out when they fail to do so.

Interesting though, many confuse the responses of the b*tch and the woman who knows she is not a b*tch and will thusly conclude that both are b*tches. Go figure.

Killers born naturally like, mickey and mallory

2009-10-14T17:46:00.000-05:00

I have remained voiceless on the tragic Derrion Albert killing cause this aint "news". Its not new. It's is not the breaking story of our existence. It's the breaking story to yours cause you refuse to see the truth. There are Derrion Alberts everyday. Multitudes of them. Kid got shoot 8 times in the chest close up. 'Cause another kid wanted his shoes, the non-existent money in his pocket. That Derrion Albert was well liked, loved, and a top student.

Tears me apart that we are tearing ourselves apart. But how can we point to the finger at the natural born killers. We made them. They model us. We now Emmit Till each other.

Derrion Albert, his story has already been played, Menace 2 Society, Boys in the Hood. These were just not mere fictitious depictions to entertain your mind and put you at ease once the credit started rolling and every thing that faded to black was over. This is REALITY. What each generation of youth have had to survive.

Whats the underlying culprit to the tragic state of affairs: we have lost our sense of "WE" of "US". It's all about me. The focus is on the self. The "I'm going to get mine" mentality. We are not disconnected, we are one. But we continue to perpetuate the conditioning of our lost state of oneness.

Little black gal that made it up out of the hood. But I aint forgot about the little black boys and girls that never would

Few understand the union of woman and man (the intro)

2009-09-29T22:38:00.000-05:00

I live in the left field. I don't follow any "normal" set of rules, I don't march to anyone else's drum but my own. Which has caused me to be labeled weird on numerous occasions. If being weird means that I am my own individual and different from you and those you know, then cool. I'll be that.

Being the lone wolf that I am, I got some things on my heart that I have to let out. This has been stewing in me for some time now and I just have to give in. MY intentions were to write about something totally different, but I am submitting to being a vessel for THE SPIRIT to pour out. If you dont feel this, digg it, get upset with it, disagree, or it goes over your head, I'm cool with that too (and of course if you want to hit a sistah up I'm cool with that too).

Men and women. Brothahs and sistahs. I hear and see our interactions and it pains me. At some point we have got to stop pointing the finger at the opposite sex. Not to say that we dont have things we can teach the other, which would be a lie. In all honesty I see and overstand both points and both sides. However I sit and wonder if anyone is actually listening to the other. What is being said is not novel. It is not the first time we have heard it, seen it in our lives, our parents' lives, our friends' lives, played out on tv and movie screens, written about and narrated in prose, or sung about in a song.

I see none of us as niggas and bitches. Nor do I see us as such drastic opposites that we cant relate to the other. We are of the same thing/energy/essence/substance, you get my point. We are apart of each other. All of us are just growing. Some are further down the path than others. But still growing. This gender divide should not exist. Both sexes exist within us all. We are the product of the the sexes coming together and thus no one is without the ability to understand the other. For whatever reasons, we have lost the ability to tune into our masculine and feminine energy. Be it how we were raised, whom we grew up around, or what we have exposed ourselves too. But at some point we have got to start realizing we are not disconnected bodies.

And please dont think that I believe that I am some all knowing omnipotent higher being. Nope. I'm human, flawed and all. That's why it is hard for me to point the finger at others or even "toot my own horn" cause I realize I'm flawed and will forever be so. However, my life's journey has taught me to stop throwing stones when I too reside in a glass house.

I truly hope that we, men and women, yin and yang, will stop messing over the other. So that when we met genuine people of the opposite sex whose Kundalini is alive and well, we will not address them like all the others we have encountered.

They Call me Agape

2009-09-27T20:43:00.000-05:00

And the juices of the land flowed freely
Spot out
birthed
from the protection in the bosom of her lotus
My children …my children
Come lay your crowned beauty
beneath my inner majesty
And the juices of the land flowed freely

For they call her Agape
Mother to all
Blessed offspring of the Devine
Suckle to her sacrificial wine
And cleanse the cold from your waste land
Till the spirit is whole again
And the cosmos will bless you anew

And the colors of the wind spoke of chi and chakras
The waters of Tefnut,
And Meh-Urt,
Overflowed and spilled from her breasts
The progeny drank from the feast
and was enlightened
and glowed
bathing in the light of holiness
And the colors of the wind spoke of chi and chakras

For they called me Agape
Omnipotent divine mother
North star,
the moon’s lover
I cleansed the cold from your waste land
Till our spirits were one whole again
And the cosmos have blessed us anew

the ugly truth

2009-09-22T23:37:00.000-05:00

I ran. Instead of just letting it be, and being thankful that I can truly deeply feel for someone based solely off who they are, I ran. But I had reason. Not that it justifies my cowardly behavior. But still I ran. And I am utterly disappointed in myself. I would have hoped that by this stage in the game, I would be wiser to know to not allow the manifestation of fear control me. Fearful of what? L. O. V. E. in it's purest of forms. And I'm not talking about the love I gotta have you/be with you/oh baby please baby be with me/there is no one else love. I'm talking about love of an individual where you care for their peace in life, their happiness in life, be a positive force in their life, be there for them even when the shit is hard love.

The hardest thing is to own up to your mess. I honestly thought that I had given myself the serious "one over", viewed and embraced my imperfections, acknowledge the baggage I had been toting around and auctioned it all off. Well jokes on me. My fear of allowing myself to love someone is going to be my own demise. I have got to learn to relax, relate, and release ASAP. Let go of the hurt I am holding onto or there will need to be a stamp placed on my head saying "PROCEED WITH CAUTION. USE AT YOUR OWN RISK. DAMAGE GOODS."

I still possess the pain and hurt of having my heart broken by every male I have ever loved. Be it a romantic interest, or a family member. So my recent discovery that I could possibly care for someone sent me into fight or flight. And like a little punk, I choose the latter. Just the mere idea that any sort of deep emotional development could happen on my part and I b*tch up. I tried to rationalize something that will never be a rationable experience. So here I sit, 3 drafts later, typing out my anger at myself. I have hopes that one day (soon might I add), I will get to the point where I can just accept, live, and stop running.

The views you see in the news is propaganda

2009-09-22T16:16:00.000-05:00

An addition to my online writing life, I am now one of the contributors to Street Politician. Since this is my blog then more than likely you will see a post or two or three that I do over there lifted to here. But to me nice I will include "post via Street Politician" for those entries.

(post via Street Politician)

*steps to the mic* Ahem is this thing on? With this being my first official post just thought I would throw up a little disclaimer. I have a lot on this heart and mind of mine and I wish to share it with the masses. The views you see are mine and mine alone. They are just opinions. Feel free to say whatever you think is on your heart in the comments. Just know that a words smith I can be, so if you really want to go there, we good. Other than that, hope I'm able to shine the light into the darkness and in the process not take myself too seriously you dig? So here we go.

"You can't fool all the people all of the time
But if you fool the right ones, then the rest will fall behind
Tell me who's got control of your mind?"

These are some lyrics from Dead Prez. You might be wondering why did I post them, and what is the thing with propaganda in the news? Well bear with me and hopefully by the end of this post all will be clear. I recently had a conversation via the new hot thing in the streets, TWITTER, about this whole H1N1 scare. And yes its a scare. I find it rather amusing that when something pretty major on the political front is going on, something else, that happens to pull at the emotional nerve of the people, pops up. And the news media bandwagons this new topic and it becomes the "BREAKING NEWS STORY" of the day.

Dont get me wrong, if you believe you have H1N1 please by all means go to the doctor ASAP. Do not pass go, do not stop and collect $200. Just saying, the the disease is just that serious. However with that said, H1N1 is not the new AIDS or the killer from the movie Outbreak. People are not going to start catching it and dying off like flies. Well at least the ones with good health insurance will not. And here is the root of the problem.

First, the FLU has always been a killer. There is nothing new here to see. Who does it kill the most, the young and the elderly. And more importantly, it kills a higher number of people with little to no health coverage. If you dont have access to good medical services, then you are going to treat the sniffles and the shakes as a cold. Its no coincidence that the countries who were hit first with H1N1 were in "poor developing nations" where the masses do not have access to adequate health care. Second, more people are dying from complications of obesity, cancer, and HIV/AIDS than from influenza. In addition more people are contracting HIV/AIDs, and developing diabetes than are contracting H1N1 or any other form of the flu.
click to continue reading

my impurities and securities, it`s God just perfecting me

2009-09-19T10:09:00.001-05:00

I going to have be 100 with you all on this one. This is one the hardest, and most personal topics for me to write about. But write about it, I must. This is my avenue of sanctity, writing. You all just happen to be along for the ride. Before I get into what has actually brought me out of bed on this early Saturday morning, let me give you a little back story.

Growing up I was the "pretty" one. Not my doing, but I wholeheartedly accepted it and took on this notion as my sole identity. I was the one from the fairly well-off home, with the 2 cars, parents-one a dentist one a fire chief, I took ballet, I took piano, I took tennis, I was fair complected, with long hair, tiny with a dancer's body, and long straight hair. So basically I had been conditioned on some talented tenth brown paper bag type mentality. But the thing that had always stuck with my identity the most was the notion that I was pretty, I was beautiful, because I had that long straight hair, I was a certain size and had a certain shape.

Now having this sort of identity formation has pretty much jacked up my mind, and self-confidence for the majority of my young life. I always strived to stay small since my self worth was tied to idea. Throughout my life, I always felt that I just wasn't pretty enough because I had it in my head that I had to look a certain way, had to weigh a certain amount, be a certain size. Basically my conditioning had been condition. Well fast-forward to my 20s. Life, no The Almighty, can give you a wake call. I was no longer the lil young girl who could eat whatever and too I was no longer as physically active as I was in my youth. So with age, change in life style, lets just say, I no longer had that dancer's body I had growing up. And you know what this did for, made me re-evaluate myself. I had to come face-to-face and own up to the beliefs that I held to be true. I had to redefine what beauty meant for me, what it is to be a woman, and what being a person of color meant to me. I found that I had to deprogram my entire mentality.

As I am leaving my 20s and knocking on the door, and fully embracing my 30s, I still find myself to me pretty, no I find myself to be beautiful. But I no longer have the long straight hair or the dancer's body that gave me soo much false confidence throughout my life. I have the nappiest and most beautiful hair and I am currently wearing it in locs. I am a full-figured curvaceous shapely woman and I fully embrace all of my curves. What I am now on is the quest is to be a healthier me. I must correct the poor eating habits I have had and those of my community(which will be addressed in a future entry), become more physically active, and strengthen my spiritual self. The road to my new self identity has been difficult. I have encountered far too many painful experiences that wish to threw me into an abyss of despair (most painful were the failed relationships that once I "step out of line", the guy wished to throw an onslaught of self hatred my way which usually included a "fat bitch" thrown in for good measure). Alas I will not be deterred by spiteful individuals on my quest of becoming a stronger, wiser, healthier and more enlightened person. And I also don't wish to ever be tiny again. I want to be healthy in whatever form The Almighty has programmed my body to have.

Let me holla atcha

2009-09-16T13:54:00.000-05:00

(myspace import)

*takes a deep breath*

Excuse me, Love....
Before I begin, let me say I'm a artist, and yes like Ms. Badu said, I'm sensitive about my shit. Well, in all honesty, I'm not even here to "spit" some work, but more so to have a conversation. So just listen and let me talk to you. I got some stuff on my mind.

Maybe you lost my number and yes true, I did move recently so maybe you don't know where I live. So I will somewhat give you the benefit of the doubt.

For now...

For

now

So I thought I would take the time to drop some words in your ear. Build with you, in hopes that we can reconnect.

I know our past is kinda fucked up, but love, I still got mad love for you.

And yes I know we parted ways some time ago, but truth be told, I was confused on how quickly your behavior vehemently manifested.

But I still got mad love for you.

Now love, I know,
hold on let me reiterate this,
I know,
I'm not perfect and can be alot to handle.

I acknowledge that I was an avid participant in the dissipation of our relationship.

But love, we grow, we mature. Hell I'm still in the process.
With that said, I'm not here to point fingers, I'm here to re-offer myself to yourself.

And while I got your attention, I must admit that for some time I didn't even realize that it was you that I was missing.

But love, why do you have to be so damn difficult to figure out.
But for real though, why?

I guess that's one of the many things that still keeps you alive in my spirit.
For love I exist as a complexity of a collection of logic, feelings, opinions, and experiences surround by a derivative of emotion and you are the reflection of each and each are a reflection of you.

I guess for now, I will let what i said resonate with you.
But love,
please reply.
And this time please don't loose my number.

bloomin like a flower with the power of the evident

2009-09-13T01:03:00.000-05:00

The other day I found myself crying. In the middle of day, at work, in my office, setting at my desk, CRYING. I was so overcome with emotion that my body could no longer hold it in, could no longer contain the feelings that were being manifested from my soul. I was so overcome with depth. And it was urgent like a muthafucka. And yes i said depth. Depth in the desire and love for you, for us, for them, for our children, for our future. And all of this was brought about by a song. One song, that spoke out all that is within my heart.

I love my people so intensely. At times I am so overcome with passion that I have to let it out, in whatever form, shape or fashion The Almighty see's fit. And no one can change this. In undergrad, when i was just actualizing the growing agape within me, I was attacked with the label racist. And at the time it pained and infuriated me. But as I got older, and hopefully a little more wiser, I came to realize that those who see strength of character and knowledge of self, fear it. Those who truly are aware of who they are and possess kujichagulia cannot be molded into sheep and happily accept an attachment of the "token nigga" label.

So, as I sat my desk, allowing my ipod to play DJ, like i do on most days, the song K.O.S (Determination) by Black Star came on. And its a song that I have heard hundreds and hundreds of times. But something was different this time. I became one with the lyrics. I allowed a connection to develop and by the time the following lines were playing, my desires erupted:

At exactly which point do you start to realize
That life without knowledge is, death in disguise?
That's why, Knowledge Of Self is like life after death
Apply it, to your life, let destiny manifest

Many do not understand what I stand for at all. They try to fit me into a box, and when certain aspects of my character shine through that are dumbfounded. Well it was dumb trying to fit me in that box in the first place. However, I see and hear soo much anti-us from us. Hatered towards our naturally nappy crowns, hatered towards wanting to be anything other than being called niggas and bitches, hatered towards fully understanding what manhood and womanhood are. I get side-eyes and puzzling questions in regards to being a woman with locs, with mother Africa on my back, and an adrinkra symbol on my foot.

Our children are loosing who they are. They are being spoon feed their antithesis in what is now looked upon as good music and entertainment and are savoring every dumb downed morsel. Somewhere along the way, the identity that was at the heart of black people was lost. Somewhere between the ending of the 70s and the pursuit of our destinies in the 80s and 90s, the masses lost interest in themselves. We are allowing others to define ourselves. We are dying. We are being bamboozled. We are plugged into our idiot boxes and living in their matrix.

But there is salvation from ourselves. When those lyrics came on, they told me that we can still reclaim ourselves. Remove the "tokens", the "good niggas", and the "sambos", from our identity. Our entertainers, movie producers, writers, and athletes can stop shucking and jiving. As long as their are those whose know who they are, and have it in their hearts to not let us sacrifice ourselves there is life after death. It is up to those individuals to ensure that black america remembers who she is. We cant rest, we cant take breaks, we cant take naps, we cannot sleep until we have begun redefining our own definition. And because of this, I stay woke.

tired to call or least beep the Lord part II

2009-09-07T22:25:00.000-05:00

The finale (or at least that's what I hope)...

A few posts back I started an on the topic of religion. And I really have been meaning to get back to it. Seriously. But, and of course there is a but, various things have kept me away. Be it my rare fickleness (and it is truly a characteristic that roars its ugly head at the most inopportune times), the 33923004 things that have been going on in my head and my life, or my un-readiness to address some of things that this topic is forcing me to deal with, alas I am here, and I feel that I most bring some sort of short term conclusion to the matter. I know it wont be permanent, because my spirituality is constantly evolving and if I continue to blog out my thoughts then its pretty much a guarantee that it will resurface.

There are soo many things that have shaped me religious wise. And actually, I think I'm going to stop right here and address how off it is for me to use the word "religion". There is absolutely nothing wrong with believing in a higher being and living a life to honor that belief, but i feel the word "religion" is too constraining. It mandates man to follow certain guidelines in worship. One most believe certain doctrines which is so absolute, so confining to me. Such an idea of spirituality is very pragmatic, better yet very dogmatic. So I graciously bow out of that line of reasoning.

Thus I find myself, as stated in the previous post, no longer identifying with Christianity. But not just that particular religious ideology, but any that only allows its followers to worship in one main overarching way. For the sake of my fingers, and your time, I wont get into great details on everything I believe (but if you want to have to conversation I'm all open. Just hit a sistah up, we can rap). However, before I leave this post I feel I should at least share some more.

My thoughts, beliefs and truths are hard from some to follow. But I see all religions, where there is a belief in one higher all-seeing omnipotent being, as fluid. They are the siblings of each other. Some more connected than others (as in Judaism, Christianity, and Islam), but the bottom-line is that the same force and energy underlies them. Furthermore, I do not view the practices (i.e. ancestor worship) of my ancestors as a taboo. They are just as much a part of honoring The Devine, as is Catholicism's practice of praying to the Virgin Mother Mary.

I must state before I bid this topic adieu, that these are just my opinions, which have been shaped by many different experiences and many different people. And I am not saying that if someone is a Christian, or Muslim, or a Buddhist, that they are doing it all wrong. That would be far from what my heart is about. I respect and honor everyone's religious views. I do not feel that mine are higher or better than anyone else's. This is my truth and gives me peace of spirit when its all said and done.

When I am asked about my religion I kindly state that "I have an open-heart, an open-mind, and an open-spirit."

*PS...I realize there is one aspect that has yet to be addressed. My Grandfather. But that is something that needs a post all to its self.

I love this way cause I got it as a kid

2009-09-04T00:29:00.000-05:00

This is not a continuation of the previous post. I know I need to finish it. Chalk up the new topic to my gemini ways, recent conversations, or just some weird energy in the universe. Whatever suits your fancy, be my guest. But I have got to get this up out of my soul, for once and for all. Finish the last sentence of the last paragraph of the last page of the last chapter of the book and then burn it (not that I am advocate for book burning, but you get my point). The thing is that I have come to the conclusion that I am too nice of a person, much to my personal emotional determent.

Now what has triggered this ephiphany? HIM. My past, the ex. The one who I seriously thought would be my Mr. Forever, but obviously since I'm writing this post that didn't happen. But the thing is I don't know how to say no. He somehow figured out a way to slink his self back into my life. Nothing too serious, just a little conversation here, drop in there, lunch here, and a little friendly business proposition. And that is where i missed up. As soon as he asked for my assistance I should have yelled TRICK PLEASE! Ok, maybe not those words, something as simple as a "thanks but no thanks" would have sufficed (with the TRICK PLEASE in the back of my mind.)

So here I sit, being privy to his business and I don't want to be. I don't want to know what he is doing, when he is doing it and with whom. THANKS BUT NO THANKS. Don't get me wrong I wish him much happiness and success. Its just that I don't want to be apart of it or knowledgeable of it. I would much rather hear of it from some mutual acquaintance through loose conversation where I can ambivalently say that's nice and how wonderful and go on my merry way.

Cause right now, I all I want is that apology that I have yet to get. Not that "Yeah I was in a bad place and I needed to grow up." No sir those are the wrong words. I want to hear "I was wrong in how I misused you, and didn't appreciate your affection. I was wrong in brushing your kindness aside. I was wrong in saying I wanted to marry you. I was wrong in calling you a fat bitch. I was wrong; and for that I do apologize." But hey I know that's not going to happen and I know I need to let it go. So, its dully noted that you've moved on and so have I and that's the way I would like to leave it.

So for all the people who have done me wrong and those I have wronged in return I say this to you:
"NO I will not be your friend. NO I do not want to talk to you. NO I do not want to have conversations or interactions with you. NO I do not want to hear your opinions. No I will not help you with whatever you feel you need my assistance for. NO I will not be accepting your phone calls. As petty as it sounds NO I will not even be your myspace/facebook/twitter/aim/insert social network site here/ friend!"

tired to call or least beep the Lord, but didnt have a touch-tone

2009-08-31T19:21:00.004-05:00

Pops: *lays hand on my shoulder* (of which I look at him in confusion) He says, "I'm planting a seed.
Me: "A seed for what?"
Pops: "For your return back to church"

I feel there is a need of some back story with this entry. I grew up in the chruch. The Southern Baptist Church for clarification. And in addition, I live in what is so affectionately labeled as "The Bible Belt". Additionally, it is important to know that my paternal family is like one of the top families in the church i grew up in. So i wasn't just a church goer, I was president of Sunday school, in the youth choir, a junior usher, and well you get the picture.

Now throughout my childhood years, certain aspects of my religious upbringing created questions in my heart. But I was raised in the era where children did not question their parents, and too it was all that i knew. So i just ran with it and and pushed those thoughts aside.

Let me pause again, I feel that I haven't adequately explained what this post is about. Well for a lack of a better way to describe it, I'm not Christian, anymore. Now that doesn't mean that I am anti-Christ or Atheist. Now I do respect people who hold such religious ideologies, but i still believe in The Almighty and I still do believe in The Christ. Just not how most Christians seem to believe.

Now where was I. Yes, the change in my religious thought pattern. I must be honest, up until I was 18 I still believed myself to be an advent follower of Christ. However, by that time, I was no longer Baptist, but Non-denominational (which is just semantics if you ask me). Actually, my spiritual shift did not occur until much more recently, like within the last couple of years. My heart feels, no knows, that there is soo much more to spirituality than one set man-ordained formalized religion. Such a stance has caused some very heated conversations between me and those who still are advent church going people (which I also respect).

But in order to truly explain where i find myself in the area of spirituality I do believe that I will have to honor it with more than one blog entry. Many things have contributed to my change and each is important and complex. I must say, that when I started this entry, I had a particular path in which i wanted to take for this topic. But I do feel, dear reader, that before I could even tackle it, I had to first give both of us some ground work of which to work from. Just so you have some idea of where I'm coming from and to help me keep thoughts in order. And I know that topics on religion can really rile up people, but I truly hope that you will be as respectable to my beliefs as I am to yours. Hopefully my Geminish tendencies wont get the best of me and I will be able to stick to the topic until I have given it a satisfactorily completion. Keep your fingers crossed (now I must say that statement had some irony too it. With this post being about spirituality and all)

When she spoke her smoke floated when it left her throat

2009-08-28T15:03:00.001-05:00

(imported from tumblr)

Bad habits… i got a plenty. But I’m pretty sure I’m not alone. Hell I know I’m not alone. But still the same, the purpose of this post is not to be about you. For about a week now, sleep comes to visit at very late hours. I got a lot floating around in this head and heart of mine. I believe I worry too much about the future, even though my current mantra is to live in the moment. I feel that my bad habits are catching up with me. Some threatening to consume me. Even as i type this, with Kind of Blue being the soundtrack to the post, I hear Audre Lorde and Marianne Williamson whispering in the breeze generated by my ceiling fan.

I inhale vapors and try to blow out my confusion. I sip the fool’s nectar hoping to swallow some reason. I am the beautiful contradiction. I walk to staccato beats and my hips sway to hi drums. But when the night falls, my loneliness calls. Thanks for the words Whitney. And in this state, i must face my bad habits. Stripped from the designer bags, high heels, pearls, and stones i adorn myself, here is where i am truly me.

Dear reader please don’t think that i fool myself into being something I’m not or that I sit at home wondering “woo is me” thoughts. Absolutely not, I am strong, and confident, and in the end hopeful. Having these words in my personal arsenal of characteristics gives me enough sense to know when to give myself an honest look over. Makes me keep it 100 with myself, realize that there are things that still need fine tuning, and truthfully probably will always need fine tuning. Hopefully as time goes, I will capture the stillness i seek, not be fearful of the path before me. Until I reach that path, Miles and Coltrane will continue to sing me nightly lullabies.

Street dreams are made of these...

2009-08-28T15:00:00.000-05:00

(imported from tumblr)

As I lay in slumber last night, I had a beautiful dream*. And I know exactly what its imagery was in reference to. But for most of the day, I have been too afraid to approach it head on. I guess I was hoping that maybe if I let it fade, then I won’t have to address its rather apparent truth. But before I wax and wane about by indecision in making this entry, I guess I should give some sort of description of the dream that was oh so beautiful.

I do not remember what my function was in this dream or to what or whom I was after, but I was seeking something. I remember being in a building where the stairs wrapped around one another and the elevator was invisible and flew sideways and at an angle. Seems like the elevator was the key to my mission. And I could not for the life of me, get off the stairs and to the elevator. The only choice I had was to leap from the building and into the water that surrounded it. Upon contact, I was sucked down to the bottom, more like captured and dragged to the bottom. And I knew this was the end for I’m human and can’t breathe under water. But once I made it to my destination, strangely I could breathe; better than I ever could with air. I was greeted by a species of human-like creatures. And they accepted me. I felt at peace. I felt accepted. I felt at home. And to my surprise, I was acquainted with a love I never knew could exist. He made me glow. Literally. My aura radiated golden, with a faint trace of purple. Alas, those I left in my former reality needed me and missed me. But I knew that if I returned, I would have to leave my new found home, and my new found love.

And this is where I woke, faced with this realization. And what realization is that, that I most leave the city I currently inhabit to claim what is rightfully mine. My heart, my soul, my desires reside elsewhere. I must leave the city of my childhood, and find my place to grow as an adult. And strangely this is what I fear. Change is a good thing, but it can also be a fearful thing. The known is comfortable. You know your place, where you fit, and what is expected of you. But change I must not fear. I have made statements of moving to many, but it being a reality makes things more urgent. I must face that I will leave my home, my parents, my friends, here. For my forever is there. Wherever there may be.

*This dream was beautiful in a sense that I woke up well rested, happy, totally centered, and at peace.

I confess

2009-08-28T14:53:00.000-05:00

(imported from tumblr)

I love love. There you have it. And this fondness for the feeling/experience, has gotten me martyred, and in more trouble than one needs be. Alas, I can say that I have learned from any negative love exploits I have taken. But, my heart she wants what she wants when she wants it. And I’m honest with myself. There are times when I get caught up in her whirlwind. Most recently she has been playing kiss kiss with l’amour. 2009 has been the year of the beautiful gentlemen. Well some more beautiful than others, and please understand that the term “beautiful” is more of an idea than a physical description. The main players:

There is Mr. Beautiful Mind: the newer one of the lot, actually I haven’t had the pleasure, but just the mere thought of an interaction causes the heart the skip a beat (silly me, no silly silly heart of mine).

There is Mr. Humor: oldest acquaintance, and actual ex, came to the realization that I’m “wifey” material. Hmmm so far so good.

There is The Artist: extremely eccentric, filled with soo much creativity that at times he is in a frenzy to release it, his energy is irresistible

There is Mr. Music Lover: wanna be DJ, but hey I support, he fits the profile of a guy that would gather my attention. He is the least favored of the lot

So see it’s rather easy to get caught up in the hype. But I’m not. Had this been me even a year ago, with such a palate of players to choose from, I would be in monumental TROUBLE. But here is where I have grown. Instead of leading with my heart, I finally have developed a beautiful marriage of my heart and my head. My heart she is wild, my head she is the wiser of the two. She keeps my heart in line. I know that the universe is answering my call of desire for a mate. Lucky for me, I understand that this is a gift, a blessing. It needs to be nurtured and given room to grow.

As badly as I desire h.i.m there is no need to rush. This time around I want to ensure that I get the strong, intelligent, caring, open-hearted man that I desire. His ying will balance my yang. I will have found the body in which the rib that I am fits.

just a brief caveat

2009-08-28T14:49:00.001-05:00

(imported from Tumblr)

Alas i’m to indecisive to figure out what my site should function as, so here i shall blog. Please dont be to harsh, for sharing my life via words is something i havent ventured into for far too long. There will be alot of me i wish to share. Hopefully if i truthfully bare my thoughts and feelings for the masses shall I find my way back to writing. A writer I am, but i havent been too consistent, and i apologize. Not sure who is tuning in, but to whomever is, I thank you. May your visit here be something, positive i hope.

I will be truthful in the accounts i have you bare witness to. My opinions are mine and i hope you respect my need to write them down. I have soo much on my mind and my heart that i need to pour onto this computer screen. Maybe it will purge me of my wayward ways, maybe it will help me to better accept the person i am, or maybe its just another step in the journey that i’m taking. Whatever the reason, i will laugh, cry, scream, rant, and celebrate via the stories that i will right on here. Who knows what each entry will be. But i know for a fact that i need to express via more words than just pictures the complexities that make me, me.

2.

2008-01-18T22:30:00.000-06:00

1.

2008-01-16T22:09:00.000-06:00

This here was made before we were born

2007-12-07T17:35:00.000-06:00

Once the love was strong
Now it's long, long gone

I wonder if I could share with you all that pains me and if in that moment of declaration would change be caused. So I try to remain the same and attempt to mask the pain, hoping that time will erode it away.

Cause the pain, pain now as a storm
I would make, growing old

The parts we play, the things we say, the people we love, the silent words whispered to the above, all cause me to feel and love this way. At times I feel as if I was a man in a my past life and punishment for whatever shit I did wrong is to live this life as a woman.

Cause I want you, cause I want you
I want you, I want you

Its so hard to say goodbye

2007-11-01T15:20:00.000-05:00

These girls are trying to be queens Lu

2007-10-06T20:51:00.000-05:00

My Life is like a Song

2007-08-22T09:56:00.000-05:00

Lauryn Hill - Ex-Factor

It could all be so simple
But you'd rather make it hard
Loving you is like a battle
And we both end up with scars
Tell me, who I have to be
To get some reciprocity
No one loves you more than me
And no one ever will

Is this just a silly game
That forces you to act this way
Forces you to scream my name
Then pretend that you can't stay
Tell me, who I have to be
To get some reciprocity
No one loves you more than me
And no one ever will

Hook:
No matter how I think we grow
You always seem to let me know
It ain't workin'
It ain't workin'
And when I try to walk away
You'd hurt yourself to make me stay
This is crazy
This is crazy

I keep letting you back in
How can I explain myself
As painful as this thing has been
I just can't be with no one else
See I know what we got to do
You let go and I'll let go too
'Cause no one's hurt me more than you
And no one ever will

Hook:
No matter how I think we grow
You always seem to let me know
It ain't workin'
It ain't workin'
And when I try to walk away
You'd hurt yourself to make me stay
This is crazy
This is crazy

Care for me, care for me
I know you care for me

There for me, there for me
Said you'd be there for me

Cry for me, cry for me
You said you'd die for me

Give to me, give to me
Why won't you live for me

UHURU!

2007-07-04T12:40:00.000-05:00

".....................I do not hesitate to declare with all my soul that the character and conduct of this nation never look blacker to me than on the 4th of july"
-Frederick Douglass

I might be Independant but I fah shit show aint free
And if you tell me that I am then July 2 me
I aint never seen no purple mountains majesty but I have seen strange fruit hang from a tree

Our beautiful heroes died to liberate us from strife!
Who most of all the country showed no love
And with no mercy took their life!"

He posted that on myspace and couldnt agree more. 4th of July just feels like a lie. A false prophet prophesying lies so that the masses get to feel all bubbly and warm inside. Land of the free, home of the brave. In the year 2007 who is it that is indeed free? Outside my window I see the lil kids popping off firecrakers. I smell feasts being cued up. What are we celebrating actually? Genocide, slaughter, robbery, the desecration of sacred land? Am I being bitter, disillusioned, or am I justified in having this stance? 142 years since my people were given "freedom". Free to do what? Are we free? Free to live in poverty, attend failing schools, receive minimum wages, beaten and vicitomized by those who are sworn-in to protect and serve, to "fit-the-profile", be incarcerated at high rates, self medicate on crack...alcohol, hate to be "black" cause naps, locs, just being "black" is unprofessional, name our kids mary...james, and beth because names like malik...malika...rashaad are a taboo.

Its the year 2007 and our people are poor, and you know damn
well nobody wants to be poor

Happy fourth of ju-ly

Mpenzi Wangu

2007-06-28T10:41:00.000-05:00

My 27th approached and passed right by me without even a courtesy hello. Or was it that I was so engulfed in the old E that it was I that didnt realize she stopped to visit with me. So here I sit, 27, another year older but am I another year wiser? Have i progressed or regressed as in comparison to this time last year?

I set for myself to find love, to be in love, and several other items that i deemed as important milestones that someone of 27 should have reached or should at least be on the path to reach. Love i found, or more so found me. Was I or am I loved? I dont know. I do know that I, as i previously stated, was so engulfed in the old E that really everything else was oblivious to me. And for me the old E was not the strong elixir that Andre spoke on, but my emotions for him, for us, for love. Has loving him been in vain, or was I in a place where i was suppose to be? Was it something that i must grow into, or grow out of? I still don’t know. But what i have come to realize was that i let myself go down to his level in order to exist with him, where in actuality it should have been he trying to reach up to me. And just for clarification, I'm not insinuating that it was he that was below or beneath me. That was not and still is not the case. In actuality it was I that had been where he is and let myself revert back to those struggles. I regressed. I got caught up. Caught up in the what-ifs, what-coulds.

I do know that I am ready for love, i am ready to meet my husband, i am ready to start building a relationship, a foundation with him, so that we can exist. I want to finally have my king in my life. I am strong, I am wise, I am conscious, I am spiritual no doubt. But I need him in my life and this I except. Some insight I have gained and as the days pass I am starting to come to a clearer understanding of if the better half of 2007 was a lost to me or did i go through "us" for a preparation of my future.

To me my girls is fancy fly misses

2007-05-23T23:33:00.000-05:00

The prototype

2007-04-08T09:14:00.000-05:00

I hope that you're the one
If not, you are the prototype
We'll tiptoe to the sun
And do thangs I know you like

Love. It's better to have loved and lost than never to have love at all. What a bitter-sweet idea.
And in actually, its a notion that I don't want to embrace. I have experienced the sweetness of love,
a love so sweet that it changed my spirit, my heart, my existence. In that I do not want to lose. So
can somone tell me please why would it be better to have experienced that and lost it, than not to have
experienced it at all? I would much rather have lived in a blissfully ignorant state, than my current
heart-torn, incomplete, painful reality. Truthfully I thought that I could cast my need for him away,
turn a blind eye to it. Ignore it. But the more I have tired to forget, the harder it is to forget. I
guess I'm not suppose to forget, but why? When it is the rememberance of love that is the cause for my
unhappiness. Part of what makes this so hard is that it is impossible to seperate my love for him and
my friendship for him. The both exist as a part of a whole. One does not exist without the other. So
in losing my heart, I am loosing my bestfriend. I hoped, no I knew, that he is, was, the one. If indeed
he is not the one, then he is the prototype.

Time heals all wounds. If he is the one, time will tell. If I am to move on from love and eventually hurt
no more, time will tell.

If we happen to part
Lord knows I don't want that
But hey, we can't be mad at God
We met today for a reason
I think I'm on the right track now

The One I gave my heart to

2007-04-08T09:12:00.000-05:00

How do I get back what I never had, and yet he is my breathe. Is it too much to ask, to beg for a second chance to be able again to enhale. In my poeticness I waxed over his objectiveness, caught up in the emotions. Spirits of a past life united, but lost along the way. My completion I need, but aloof he remains. What I want, my words have failed to explain. Colors of hope replaced by emptiness. Is it too much to ask, to beg for a second chance to be able again to live, breath, and love him again.

Revelation Revised

2006-12-29T00:42:00.000-06:00

I had a list. I had my idea of my king. I knew unequivocally what I wanted and how I wanted him. I wrote about him and all the nuances that I could and could not, would not, permit in the brotha that would claim my heart. And then, for a lack of better words, he walked into my life, more so, walked towards my life. Out of the crowd he appeared, regal, beautiful, perfect. More perfect for me than any list could claim to attain. And me, being caught up in life, let him walk by. Yet his aura spoke to me. And within that brief moment, I knew that it was he that was meant for me. My king, no description, no set of guidelines can define who is he, what he is to me. He is my wishes, my desires, my hopes, my essence birthed into flesh. It took a quarter of my lifetime to discover what had previously been introduced to me. My thoughts, my desires, are one with him. It's as if we take the same breath.

The sweetest thing I've ever known

2006-12-26T12:22:00.000-06:00

Several moons have passed since my last real post and several more probably would have come and gone before I posted again. Yet here I am, and here I have come to try to put to words the experience I have just lived. And at this moment, I am still so raptured in the moment, that all I can do is glow. So for now, I will let a piece that I wrote many years ago express the gift he is to me.

He knows me.
He owns me.
He captivates me...
with his style
his smile
his love
his touch.
He inspires me.
He completes me.
He is the missing piece to my puzzle.
So wondrous...
So...so..so...WOW.

He excites me.
Keeps my happily loving...
his thoughts
his words
his aspirations.
He rules me.
He is apart of me.
Each time I think he has fulfilled me,
He surprises me,
with new ideas
with new feelings
with new fantasies.
Contemplations of explorations...

He makes me feel golden.
He makes me feel phenomenal.
He makes me feel,
exotic
hypnotic
floetic...
from my untextured hair
to my mahogany cherry redwood eyes
to my hips
to my thighs
down to the ends of my toe tips.

He is intrigued with my style,
my beauty
my intelligence.
He is attracted to my independence,
my enlightenment
my love for my blackness.
He does not change me,
mold me
control me
dismiss me for being just me.
He is my love.
He is my power.
He is my confident...
revelled in my heart
marveled in my eyes
accepted in my soul
cherished in my mind.

2006-10-23T22:51:00.000-05:00

Ghostface dropping again this year?

"Ghostface is on a roll. The sequel to Fishscale - the most critically-acclaimed hip-hop album of the year – More Fish is Ghost doing what Ghost does best. On tracks like the blazing “Ghost Is Back” and the new single “Good,” Tony Starks brings you that raw and uncut. Ghost’s crew, Theodore Unit, is heavily featured on More Fish, and his teenage son – Sun God – shines. "
via nah right

Hella fine with a beauty mark on her right cheek

2006-10-21T23:12:00.000-05:00

www.tanktheory.com

I so want this shirt.

Revelations

2006-03-26T13:00:00.000-06:00

Cuzzo: What do you want?
Savvy: I want...a...husband.

You cant imagine how shocked I was to hear myself say that. For the past 3 years my motto has been "I aint ready for that shit" when in reference to the topic of marriage. Guess my ass was in some serious denial. Honestly when I actually think about it, I've always wanted to be married, even when I was claiming that I was ready for it. I feel that whom ever I wife (saying husband sounds crazy) I would have dated for at least 2 to 3 years and prior to dating would have been friends with for 1 to 2 years. Well thats a long ass time period to be courting someone, and my 26 is fastly approaching. A sista is ready to find her king. Last night just made me realise it. My cuzzo, hopefully trying to interject some humor, said I should marry her cousin (no relation to yours truly thanks) and before I could even think on it, my mouth was spewing out my "husband" requirements: Above 6'1, with locs, dark, working on or has a phd, good relationship with his mom dukes. I didnt even realise I had a working "what I want in my old man list". I've been thinking hard on this since last night. That shit I spit last night was pretty accurate but I figured I betta elaborate on what I want before the lawd sends me a 6'6 darked skined loc'd up brotha with one leg and bad breath, jacked up credit, and still living with his moms. To just to ensure that shit dont happens here is my definitive "what I want in a the man i'm going to wife" list in no particular order. And seeing how this can get wordy I will break this up into several different posts.

Requirement no. 1: Physical Apperance
Some folk say that it aint all about how someone looks, that other attributes are important, and I agree. But in all honestly how someone looks is what attracts you in the first place. First off I want a brotha. Sorry all the good looking white, latino, asian men, etc. you get the picture. I dont discriminate, but a black man is where it's at for me. And since this is the "what I want in a the man i'm going to wife" list, I'm going to discribe the type of guy that will make my pannies drop, not that i'm not attracted to a myriad of dudes, its just that this dude could get it with the quickness. Now past that disclaimer, I have always said, and it is still true, that I want to marry a man so black that I have a tar baby. Black skinned brothas ya'll just do something to a sistah. I've written several pieces of poetry on the subject. And I am weak for tall man, especially basketall players. All the loves of my life were hoopers.

Requirement no. 2: Beliefs
About this time last year I feel hard for a guy who met all my physical requirements, but beliefs wise, compared to mine, were like oil and muthafucking water. After that experience I knew that from jump only a certian type of man is for me. So for starters he needs to have an open mind. I cannot and will not stand for no n-word being homophobic. He aint got to be the
"I'll shower, walk around naked, and dress in front of a cat cause I'm secure with mine" type of guy. Naw bruh, there aint no need to do all of that. Just dont be commenting every time you see two dudes embrace, for instance, saying "I aint with that gay shit". Also ol' boy needs to be in touch socially and politically wise. Black and republiccn are not complinmentary in my book. End of discussion. He needs to be just as well versed in the policital issues du jour as in issues such as why nick cannon is lame and why cats like mos def and little brother dont get air time. And the most important aspect, bruh man also needs to be up on his culture seeing as how his old lady is exteremly happy to be nappy and has Africa tatted on her back.

to be continued

short and sweet

2006-03-02T10:03:00.000-06:00

hip hop how i love thee
let me count the ways

1
dave chapelle's block party

2
the roots 3rd annual jam session

2006-02-17T07:32:00.000-06:00

Me being the espn, basketball, almost all around sports junkie, I was tuned in watching Quite Frankly last night. Even though Steven Smith really gets on my fucking nerves at times, I still tune in. Its funny how he will be all over one person and literally kiss the ass of another. I degress. On last night's show Steven had Charles Barkely on. Now I knew this was going to be good, seeing how they are colleagues and Barkely can just be one crazy muthafucka. Allas Barkely almost had me. I was thinking he had turned a new leaf, had become wise in his old age, and was finally excepting the fact that he is a role model. I even overlooked the fact that he adamantly belives that he was and still is better than Jordan, basically saying Jordan was only good becuase he played for a shitty team. Um huh yeah Barkely. I'll let you have that. It's rather a moot point. As bad as I wanted to finally be able to root for the old guy he goes off and tried to justify the reason why he is "JUSTICE" Clarence Thomas fan. He was just cooing, ohhing, and ahhing over this man. Talking bout people need to give him the benefit of doubt (about the Annita Hill incident) and his opposing affirmaive action. Good ole Charlie boy, trying to sound wiser than thou, said that Clarence was against AA because it taught blacks that they were inferior to whites. Oh dear lawd save this man from his own retarded behind. I could have sworn Clarence stated that AA was no longer needed, he didnt benefit from it, and got where he was by his own merit (from a man who is dark as a muthafucking tar baby). I guess Charlie boy didnt get that memo. Charlie boy even had the nerve to say that he had a beef with blacks, "his people" because we are ungrateful. We having a black justice and should be proud of him. Here is were he aslo tried to pick a beef with the black nation for not liking Condeskeeza and Mr. Powell. Okay Powell I can understand, but Condi? Oh hell naw Charles. What the fuck is wrong with you. Sense you are oblivious to shit let he help you out son. We had a Supreme Court Judge to be proud of and Clarence is in no comparrison to him. Sorry Charles but we dont accept half ass negros. Making a statement like that is saying we should be proud that you have black male pro athetles making millions. But its those same atheltes who say they arent role models and dont take up on their responsibilty as role models. Sounds familar.. Hmmm wonder who said that shit.

Tell em why you mad

2006-01-25T23:17:00.000-06:00

University Bans Certain Hairstyles for Students
Jan 21st - 8:10am

Afros are OK but cornrows and flowing dreadlocks are not for business administration students at Hampton University.

The hair code is part of a strict academic and dress doctrine for combined business administration students at the private, historically black university. The program allows students to receive a bachelor's degree and a master's in business administration in five years.

In addition to the hair rules, students must maintain a B average after their sophomore year, heed a conservative dress code, complete two internships and meet regularly with business leaders.

"We don't have problems with Afros," business Dean Sid Credle said Friday. "A nicely tapered Afro - that's fine." {read more}

This is not something I was expecting to see coming from an HBCU. I expect a whole of alot more. There are enough institutions of higher learning where being "black" is a taboo. Wearing fros, naps, and dreads, are looked upon as being pro-black, anti establisment, and anti-white. I'm not saying that this isn't the case for some, but it neccessarily is not the case for all, and I aint saying that being pro-black, anti-establishment or even anti-white is right or wrong. This is just one huge ass stereotype. And I am appalled that Hampton would buy into it. I would think that being an institute of highter education whose premise is for the advancement, education, and success of Blacks, would be trying to eradicate such things and enact change insteand of prepetuating it, especially something that is blatantaly a discriminatory standard based on dress and appearance. I can understand not allowing bright ass hair coloring, cornrows and funky ass weaves, for all of the above are far from being professional unless you are in the entertianment business (all aspects are included) but dreadlocks?! Locks are just not a means of making a fashion statement for some. They are part of a way of life. Is Hampton telling its students that it is okay for blacks to be discrimated upon based on their culture and values. Is Hampton telling its students that it is okay to be ashamed of whom you are, your culture, your heritage, and ethicity, to whitewash yourself, do not dare to be different because whitey will spite thee and punish you like the disobediant child you are. Whatever happened to being proud of who you are and who, what, and where you came from, and standing up for what you belive in. I cannot belive the message they are sending to their students, especially to those applying to this program. "Yes we will be glad to except you and your money, but sorry we dont like our negros acting all happy to be nappy so you gonna have to edge up that fro and cut them damn nappy ass ropes up out your head. We dont want to upset Mr. Whitey. He pays us poor nigguhs reall good when we keep sending him such well trained boys and guhls" Maybe I need to invest in whatever the person who okayed this policy is smoking because they are on some good ass shit.

and it dont stop

2006-01-21T00:51:00.000-06:00

Attack of the pussy pink dressed up rapper. I don't get the hype. Yeah Cam'ron came at Jay said him and Joe Camel pushed up out the same snatch and dissed his choice of girlly open-toe-sandals (okay some of that shit was funny I do declare) but the "diss track" really aint leave no huge impressoin on me. For the most part it was weak. Cam'ron stated what we already know and rambled on about shit that I really could give a care about and more or less didn't know what it was he was referring to. Did I mention that it was shit that I could really care about. Get my point. I do agree with Fresh though. At least it kept everybody off of fiddy's nut sack.

Reebok has a new ad out. I'm all for mass appeal of hip hop and its artists, but why these dudes look like they ompa lumpa size? I know Lil' Wayne is about as height challenged as the Olsen Twins, but damn I could have sworn Mike Jones and Lupe Fiasco had some height to them.

On with the nonsense

2006-01-18T22:24:00.000-06:00

American Idol kicked off on Tuesday. Man this shit just can't get no better. This is the only time when I will give a rats ass about this show. Why? Its not for the love of singing, entertainment or even for the show its self. Its for all the nontalented, weird looking, weird acting, moronic individuals that are paraded in front of the judges just for ~~our~~ my viewing pleasure. Thanks Fox for all the prom dress wearing, gender confused, chester looking, orange colored individuals whom provide me with endless amounts of laughter and fun. GOOD TIMES.

Just in case I need a reminder that people use the internet for lets say "personal" uses I keep getting searches for this chick poppin up in my tracker. One would think I would be more careful with what the fuck i mention in the future for fear of video hoe loving, oversexed, masterbating perverts getting links for my site with shit like this. One would be incorrect. Oh well.

Flavor of love. I finally caught an episode of this BS. LAWD HAVE MERCY. If this aint some damn coonfonery at its finest. There ain't no damn way in hell that these chicks are digging this old ass leather face looking man. Aint no way. I swear the shit people will do to get some face time.

and just for laughs..sup Whitney

weekend leftovers

now let the game begin

2006-01-11T22:45:00.000-06:00

nigga moment
Nick Cannon. In a current interview this fool made the comment that he now is in a search of a white girl. Supposedly
he got a taste of the "forbidden fruit" while filming Role Bounce, where his character had to kiss a white girl. He's talking about going after Jennifer Love Hewwit and Brittney Murphy. From Christinna Millan to them chicks
DOWNGRADE. Another black man bites the dust. {crunk and disorderly}

on hell naw
Recently I've been watching this speacial on Vh1 about the world of "video ~~vixens~~" hoes. It pretty interesting, but it keeps coming on at 10pm and I get half way in and fall asleep. I digress. What got me saying a
big hell naw is Karrine Stephans behind -aka- superhead. This chick urkes me. All throughout the special she talking like she is this super intellectual broad, who fell into the video scene becuase of a piss poor childhood.
She just yaps on and on about how she would sleep with anyone because she felt she had to inorder to stay "down" with a crew and how she was a pawn and had no mind of her own. All this inretrospect jabber jawing is for the birds. Now
I'm suppose to belive that you've had some divine intevinttion that grabbed you by the hand and lead out of hodoom because you didnt know any better previously. Please heffa. You are the not the only chick whose had fucked up things happen to her.
I really wish this female would go and sit down somewhere.{more on the special}

on hell naw
Somebody please tell me why this man is on tbn as a televangelist. I'm not knocking him finding God and wanting to witness to the masses
but please Mr. T, you cannot preach and still look like a WWE wrestler talking about "I pitty the fool that dont worship him". And yes this picture is how he looks on the show.

oh hell naw
Nicole Richie. Why does this female continuously insist on wearing these big ass glasses? She looks like a bug to me. But then to its a shame that glasses that everybody else wears look gargantuan on her.
Somebody please lead her back into taco bell. I like the whole demure chic look, but I could do without the emaciated skeletor physique. I wonder who’s drank she sipping on cause it cant be hers.

what you weren't told
Harry muthaf*cking Belafonte knows whatsup. He spoke up and spoke out against B.ush calling him "the greatest terrorist in the world". This was in reference to the B.ush Administration's
actions towards Venezuelan President Hugo Chavez. The adminsitration and the media protray Chavez as a dictator. Others in the delegation that met with Chavez were actor and humanitarian Danny Glover and writer and activist Cornell West.
{more on the story}

2006-01-10T19:14:00.000-06:00

Been a while since I had a site. This is still a work in progress. What you will be able to find on here are my angry black bitch rants, ode's to hip hop, and various super liberal left winged polictial opinions.
I will not hold my tongue, so if you take offense to shit easily your fault. Previously at she-speaks.net and retrology@blogspot. I love hip hop. I love being black. I love black men.
Savvy is the name.25.female.trapped in the south.living the single life.
full time hustler.full time real.fill time shit talker.full time intellectual

my life is the words, the chants, the beats the lyrics, the rhymes, the mcs
my life is the threads, the styles, the streets the trends, the divas, the individuality
my life is the mother land, the home land the origin of life, the creator of civilization

Why slum savvy?
slum:(n). a densely populated usually urban area marked by crowding, dirty run-down housing, poverty, and the social disenfranchised
savvy:(v) to know. to be wise upon

I'm a people cursader. A low level reinovator. I speak da truth. Aware of my roots.

-HNIC

its a celebration bitches

2006-01-09T19:07:00.000-06:00

grab a drink grab a glass

http://slumsavvy.com
http://slumsavvy.com
http://slumsavvy.com
http://slumsavvy.com
http://slumsavvy.com
http://slumsavvy.com

been a while since i had a site. i'm still working on it. i cant wait to post my black angry bitch rants, ode's to hip hop, and various super liberal left winged polictial opinions.. carry on

We tired of that - corporations hirin blacks...Denyin the facts, exploitin us all over the map

2005-10-25T09:52:00.000-05:00

The average Black male
Live a third of his life in a jail cell
Cause the world is controlled by the white male
And the people don't never get justice
And the women don't never get respected
And the problems don't never get solved
And the jobs don't never pay enough
So the rent always be late; can you relate?
We livin in a police state

I've been reading the Isis Papers by Dr. Frances Cress Welsing. This book is the truth. I recommended anyone who is trying to open their minds and discover truth and bring change to the world to read it. It has truely put many things in a new perspective for me.

http://authors.aalbc.com/frances.htm

http://seaburn.com/blackbooksplus/isis_papers.htm

No I wasn't born in Ghana, but Africa is my momma

2005-09-18T11:50:00.000-05:00

Grad school and work leave me no time for this journal. So until I get the opportunity to write, I will share the things in my life that I hold as the most important. Each thing has its own story and deserves its own entry which I will be writing about in the following weeks.

I have been transitioning my hair from permed to napptural for four months
Altered my tatto to a RGB (Red Black Green) Africa
I have a 4.0 GPA

I gave him the number, I saw it in his eyes...."She gave me the number? Hmmm I'm surprised"

2005-08-24T19:25:00.000-05:00

Maybe it's just me. Maybe. But has chivalry died or have guys lost the ability to be gentlemen while dating a woman? I'm not talking about opening car doors or letting a woman enter a building before them, I'm talking about the rudimentary steps. The basics. The actual pursuit. I was completely put off and turned off when a guy I was involved with asked me to come pick him up. I know that might sound immature on my part, but let me give you a brief history. Said guy is 21, I'm 25 so going into this I had doubts. Even though I vowed to never date anyone younger than me ever again, I've learned from past encounters to never let age be the sole ruling out factor. So I gave him the benefit to prove that he was worth my time. Dont get me wrong he it's not like he was a loser and not trying to do any thing productive with his life. Actually he is a college senior graduating with an engineering degree with job offers already lined up, not to mention he's been interning at a large engineering firm for the past 2 summers getting paid really big bucks, he adores me, has a wonderful relationship with his mother, attends my home church, and is very nice on the eyes.. He meets every requirement I have except for that aforementioned age issue. He was just young. He caught up with me back in late May when he was visiting the folk before doing his internship. I was floored when he says that he has always wanted to get with me, even back when we where kids. I had no clue. I was 17 and he was 13. Me and him then? That shit was not about to happen. What made me feel horrible is to find out that we shared a very passionate kiss about 5 years ago. I still have no recollection of this. Enough with how we hooked up. Now the entire time he is in Atlanta, which was about 2 1/2 months, (for that good ass paying internship) we talk at the most 10 maybe 15 times. At first things were good. I missed him, he missed me, I would call him, he would call me. Actually he did a lot more calling than me. But this is how it is suppose to be, when the guy is trying to get the girl. Once again maybe I'm wrong. As time went on, he called less, and took his good ole time returning my calls. Pissed me off. If someone is trying to build something into a relationship, communication is essential if both parties will not be seeing each other for some time. So by the end of the summer my interest in him, which started at an 8, dropped to a 3. Now the last 2 weeks he was in Atlanta he reminded me non stop that he would be home for an entire week and that he was only comeing home just so we could spend some quality time toether. To make this story short we saw each other once, only after I had to initiate the "date". It just bugged the hell out of me that I was putting more effort into "us" then this guy, who was the one trying to pursue me. The last straw came Friday night. I got off at 5, which he was well aware of. I did not talk to him until I called which was around 9. I was heading to get some dinner and wanted to see if he wanted to join. That's when he said come pick me up. What? He lives no where near me. He had the nerve to get upset when I explained to him why I would not pick him up.
"No I'm not driving all the way to your side of town to come all the way back over here to eat then take you all the way back to the other side of town."
"Oh so you want me to drive all the way over there to see you, then come all the way back here"
"Yes"
"Why"
"Because you are the guy and I'm the girl."
"That's messed up."
"I'm not going to set here and tell you how to pursue and date a woman"
"Well I don't feel like leaving the house. I'm going to stay home with mommy"

If things had been different, like maybe us talking and getting closer, and had he pursued my ass and had me into him, I would have most definitely made that 30 minute drive both ways. The entire week, which was suppose to be my "our week", all I got was "I'm with mommy" or "Mommy asked me to stay till she gets home". Alarms should have gone off in my head when a grown ass man refers to his mother as mommy.

Why you in the game if you ain't even trying to ball

2005-06-17T09:07:00.000-05:00

Yet another year had passed and my 25th is fastly approaching. Actually it has snuck up on me, tapping me on the shoulder, and whispering in my ear. Its posted up chilling, nagging me, dropping little hints and innuendo, talking about that I'm not where I envisioned I would be at 25. Coming into college, leaving the world of high school, parental control, and no responsibilities, I felt I would have conquered life by 25. I saw that "American" dream for me. I would be living the high life, married to my high school sweet heart, a lawyer’s wife, with two kids, and pushing a Benz. Obviously that shit didn’t happen. Life grew my ass up, and left him in the dust. It took me 2 extra years to get up out of undergrad, and finding a gig after graduation was, well let’s just say, damn hard. So here I sit, a day before my 25th and I wonder, am I a failure, am I even going to attain my goals, will I be successful in my career, will I fall in love, will I have kids, will I get married, have I even accomplished anything of much importance. Now don’t get it twisted, I am not by any means a self doubter. There isn’t much of anything that I have done that I’m ashamed of, and I am not lacking in the self confidence department. And true, there are plenty of strides that even within the past year that I am proud of. I graduated college, landed a job (not the dream one but at least its putting some bread in my pockets), and got into grad school. Excuse me so I can pat myself on the back. Its just that life has thrown me so many right hooks and jabs, that I feel as if getting what I want and where I want is either damn near impossible or hard as hell. And I'm a realist. No correction I am a realist visionary. I see what I want, I decide what I have to do to get there, and I go into it with my eyes wide open. But I figure when its all said and done, it’s like what I said in a previous post, "Life can definitely be bitch, but it can also be a blessing... But Life can correct the shit that you won't. It will force you to accept the obvious." Yes I will attain the happiness and success I want, but there will be obstacles, and deviations and revisions to my plan. And that past choices, current choices, and future choices will affect that plan. I will suffer for my fuck ups, but I will also reap my rewards. Reminding myself that shit happens, even to the best of the best, I am fully embarrassing turning 25 and I am confident in my future.

I used to love H. I.M. and i still do

2005-05-12T10:08:00.000-05:00

I have been seeing cats post about hip hop albums that either affected them or had a huge impact on the genre its self. And usually when there is a list of hip hop albums that had either a cultural, lyrical, or personal impact, you can bet that Illimatic, Takes A Nation Of Millions, Straight Out Of Compton (NWA in general), Reasonable Doubt, The Low End Theory, and RUN DMC are right up at the top. Which is right on point.

I was commenting here on this topic. The author had wrote on albums that affected his life and I got to thinking that in all honesty none of these tophiphop albums had an initial impact on my life as much as Dead Prez's Lets Get Free. Here is the comment I made.

I cant deny you got some all time big hitters in that list. One album that hardly anyone ever lists is Dead Prez Let's Get Free. This album changed my entire mind frame on life, society and culture. I was a late bloomer with hip hop. My first experiences was Skinny Pimp and Too Short. True when I was in high school I loved me some Biggie and Pac, but I was till greatly influenced by the lines in songs titled Bling Bling and Bout It Bout It. When I first heard "Its bigger than Hip Hop", "Mind Sex", and "Police State", I was blown away. This album is what opened my eyes to Tribe, the original works of NWA, and Public Enemy.

I can think back to me bopping my head and reciting lyrics to Humpty Dance and Ghetto D, and thinking that rap couldn't get no better. I was obilivous to cats like the Jurrassic Five, Talib Kweli, NWA, Public Enemy, NAS, Tribe called Quest, EPMD, Rakim, OutKast, I could just go on and on. Not only did Lets Get Free open the doors of hip hop to me, but it also opened my eyes to what was going on socially. I got schooled on Gil Scott-Heron, found out the origins of the Crips and Bloods, took as many classes as I could find on sociology, philosophy, African and African American Studies. See I just wasn't influenced musically by hiphop. I was molded into the peron that I am and the person I still strive to be.

Back to me

2005-05-11T11:31:00.000-05:00

Starting a fresh isn't neccesarily starting a new. I am still the same me, same woman, same goals, same mind frame, same ideals. I can't be nothing or no one but me. Since I have decided to devulge my thoughts via a brand new spanking journal I felt a need to start off with a post I made on my previous journal. Just a reminder to me to keep it true to what I want out of life and what I want from me.

April 11, 2005
Life can definitely be bitch, but it can also be a blessing. This I've learned within the course of one week. Of course I was already privy to this, but actual experience made it all more personal. A relationship can tumbling down, not because of a lack of support. The bricks to build the foundation had been laid, but I guess i miss the part about mutual support. In essence, I wanted more, he didnt. I'm not going to even fake like i wasn't hurt, I was, deeply. Yet, being the person that I am, I let it go. And yes, I know this was just last week, but I've moved on. I dont believe in staying in a situation where one is not wanted and being friends is really not whats up. I know that I will be wanting more. So I severed all ties, at least for now. In actuality I had signs that he wasn't right for me. I just ignored them. But Life can correct the shit that you won't. It will force you to accept the obvious. And even though I'm hurt and disappointed in what happen, I am strangely relieved. He fit soo many of the qualities that I sought, but what he lacked undermined it all. And I settled. Guess I had to learn the hard way to never ever settle, no matter how attarctive the package comes.
As one door closes, literally, serveral more open. I have been asked out now by three different guys all within the last 4 days. Plus I got news of my acceptance into graduate school. So my future is still on track. Sexy, single, and free...

coming

2005-05-07T18:17:00.000-05:00

"I met this girl, when I was ten years old, and what I loved most she had so much soul..."