When she spoke her smoke floated when it left her throat

(imported from tumblr)

Bad habits… i got a plenty. But I’m pretty sure I’m not alone. Hell I know I’m not alone. But still the same, the purpose of this post is not to be about you. For about a week now, sleep comes to visit at very late hours. I got a lot floating around in this head and heart of mine. I believe I worry too much about the future, even though my current mantra is to live in the moment. I feel that my bad habits are catching up with me. Some threatening to consume me. Even as i type this, with Kind of Blue being the soundtrack to the post, I hear Audre Lorde and Marianne Williamson whispering in the breeze generated by my ceiling fan.

I inhale vapors and try to blow out my confusion. I sip the fool’s nectar hoping to swallow some reason. I am the beautiful contradiction. I walk to staccato beats and my hips sway to hi drums. But when the night falls, my loneliness calls. Thanks for the words Whitney. And in this state, i must face my bad habits. Stripped from the designer bags, high heels, pearls, and stones i adorn myself, here is where i am truly me.

Dear reader please don’t think that i fool myself into being something I’m not or that I sit at home wondering “woo is me” thoughts. Absolutely not, I am strong, and confident, and in the end hopeful. Having these words in my personal arsenal of characteristics gives me enough sense to know when to give myself an honest look over. Makes me keep it 100 with myself, realize that there are things that still need fine tuning, and truthfully probably will always need fine tuning. Hopefully as time goes, I will capture the stillness i seek, not be fearful of the path before me. Until I reach that path, Miles and Coltrane will continue to sing me nightly lullabies.