my impurities and securities, it`s God just perfecting me

I going to have be 100 with you all on this one. This is one the hardest, and most personal topics for me to write about. But write about it, I must. This is my avenue of sanctity, writing. You all just happen to be along for the ride. Before I get into what has actually brought me out of bed on this early Saturday morning, let me give you a little back story.

Growing up I was the "pretty" one. Not my doing, but I wholeheartedly accepted it and took on this notion as my sole identity. I was the one from the fairly well-off home, with the 2 cars, parents-one a dentist one a fire chief, I took ballet, I took piano, I took tennis, I was fair complected, with long hair, tiny with a dancer's body, and long straight hair. So basically I had been conditioned on some talented tenth brown paper bag type mentality. But the thing that had always stuck with my identity the most was the notion that I was pretty, I was beautiful, because I had that long straight hair, I was a certain size and had a certain shape.

Now having this sort of identity formation has pretty much jacked up my mind, and self-confidence for the majority of my young life. I always strived to stay small since my self worth was tied to idea. Throughout my life, I always felt that I just wasn't pretty enough because I had it in my head that I had to look a certain way, had to weigh a certain amount, be a certain size. Basically my conditioning had been condition. Well fast-forward to my 20s. Life, no The Almighty, can give you a wake call. I was no longer the lil young girl who could eat whatever and too I was no longer as physically active as I was in my youth. So with age, change in life style, lets just say, I no longer had that dancer's body I had growing up. And you know what this did for, made me re-evaluate myself. I had to come face-to-face and own up to the beliefs that I held to be true. I had to redefine what beauty meant for me, what it is to be a woman, and what being a person of color meant to me. I found that I had to deprogram my entire mentality.

As I am leaving my 20s and knocking on the door, and fully embracing my 30s, I still find myself to me pretty, no I find myself to be beautiful. But I no longer have the long straight hair or the dancer's body that gave me soo much false confidence throughout my life. I have the nappiest and most beautiful hair and I am currently wearing it in locs. I am a full-figured curvaceous shapely woman and I fully embrace all of my curves. What I am now on is the quest is to be a healthier me. I must correct the poor eating habits I have had and those of my community(which will be addressed in a future entry), become more physically active, and strengthen my spiritual self. The road to my new self identity has been difficult. I have encountered far too many painful experiences that wish to threw me into an abyss of despair (most painful were the failed relationships that once I "step out of line", the guy wished to throw an onslaught of self hatred my way which usually included a "fat bitch" thrown in for good measure). Alas I will not be deterred by spiteful individuals on my quest of becoming a stronger, wiser, healthier and more enlightened person. And I also don't wish to ever be tiny again. I want to be healthy in whatever form The Almighty has programmed my body to have.