the game is to be told not sold

The following is something I started and pushed aside because life, and reality, and unresolved shelved feelings got in the way. Before I can continue I first must give these few lines the ability to live and breath...

Originally created 11/29/09
I have been really anti-social lately. Something my soul needed greatly.
sometimes my imperfections get in the way
I'm really bad at playing this dancing charade
I give, you take, I retreat to my reserves in hope you follow the chase,
sometimes I fear I'm gotten to old to really care to even play this anymore
to decipher the facades. wade through the crap to weed out the gems
I fear I've gotten to old to really care to even play this anymore
so sit in my lair and until the need for a new or even familiar face causes me to reintroduce myself into society

I would be lying if I said those words weren't still true. But, yeah there is a but, I have moved on. Well sort of. I no longer hide myself from society. I eagerly embrace the awkward moments, failed attempts, and joyful explorations of that something new. I do, though, still am not elated to the play the chasing game and fail terribly at it. Alas, I don't wish life to pass me by as if I forget to get my ticket.

If one was to ask 20 year old me where I would be upon the year I turned 30, I pretty sure she had no idea the woman she would come to be. Independent but not to the degree that she doesn't need others in her life; just enough to be you know, an adult. Opinionated enough to be an informed individual, but not to the degree where she thinks she is the alpha and omega. Confident enough to life live on the outskirts of the box and the norm, but still aware that faults exist in her and forever she will evolve. And the doosey, at age 29 fastly approaching 30 she would be single, never married, and no kids. This, my fellow readers, is the culprit of that opening paragraph of which I had abandoned and of which has cause me to neglect this blog and my writing for months.

Coming to terms that your life has not taken the path that you had hoped is a serious endeavor, but accepting your path is necessary. It was necessary for me, and honestly I fought it. I tabled it, in hopes that it would erode and vanish if left in the destitute space I had placed it. Well we all see where that got me, life greatly interrupted. These last few months I have put up a pretty impervious façade, behaved that things were great in my world, that I was peachy keen and exuberant. I was not. Period, exclamation mark. I tried my best to amongst things, meaning, away from my house where I would be alone. I hide from my inner thoughts. I feared writing them and reading the thoughts of others for I would have to address the elephant that sat on my living room sofa. It took me almost the first 90 days of 2010 to come to terms with the state of my life and you know what I have discovered, there is not a damn thing to fear. Hopefully I will continue to take my big girl pill and face life and her issues as the grown woman I strive to be. No more hiding, no more woe-is me.