the ugly truth

I ran. Instead of just letting it be, and being thankful that I can truly deeply feel for someone based solely off who they are, I ran. But I had reason. Not that it justifies my cowardly behavior. But still I ran. And I am utterly disappointed in myself. I would have hoped that by this stage in the game, I would be wiser to know to not allow the manifestation of fear control me. Fearful of what? L. O. V. E. in it's purest of forms. And I'm not talking about the love I gotta have you/be with you/oh baby please baby be with me/there is no one else love. I'm talking about love of an individual where you care for their peace in life, their happiness in life, be a positive force in their life, be there for them even when the shit is hard love.

The hardest thing is to own up to your mess. I honestly thought that I had given myself the serious "one over", viewed and embraced my imperfections, acknowledge the baggage I had been toting around and auctioned it all off. Well jokes on me. My fear of allowing myself to love someone is going to be my own demise. I have got to learn to relax, relate, and release ASAP. Let go of the hurt I am holding onto or there will need to be a stamp placed on my head saying "PROCEED WITH CAUTION. USE AT YOUR OWN RISK. DAMAGE GOODS."

I still possess the pain and hurt of having my heart broken by every male I have ever loved. Be it a romantic interest, or a family member. So my recent discovery that I could possibly care for someone sent me into fight or flight. And like a little punk, I choose the latter. Just the mere idea that any sort of deep emotional development could happen on my part and I b*tch up. I tried to rationalize something that will never be a rationable experience. So here I sit, 3 drafts later, typing out my anger at myself. I have hopes that one day (soon might I add), I will get to the point where I can just accept, live, and stop running.